Will you blow on my dice?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
