when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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