I'm passing your future prison.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
