She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
