life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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