don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
