I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
