Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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