just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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