I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
