We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
