I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
