Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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