There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
