Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
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