is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
