Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
