So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
