According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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