nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
