I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
