There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
this is an emotional support booty call
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
