I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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