she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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