I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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