the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
