I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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