my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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