I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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