Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
