I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
