Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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