Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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