Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
