I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i've created a new STD.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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