I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My hand turned me down
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
