did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
