No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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