Betty ford says i'm here all night
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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