I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
