at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
