So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
