i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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