One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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