It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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