Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
