Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
this just has baby written all over it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
