I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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