how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
