I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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