why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
